Today I’m sitting in the space where awareness turns into the desire to change.
Not because I think I’ve mastered something. Not because I’ve figured out how to do it well. But because knowing the thing has made it impossible to ignore. This isn’t an insight I want to integrate quietly. It’s one I want to respond to.
This is a place I’ve been many times before. I love understanding new things about myself, and most of the time, when awareness lands, my instinct is to want to change the thing. To move toward something different, even if I don’t know yet what that looks like or whether I’ll succeed.
The most recent insight I’ve had about myself is this fear of being seen.
It’s been a theme my entire life, but it wasn’t until this past year that I started to recognize how many other “symptoms” trace back to it. Hiding. Pulling back. Staying just vague enough. Avoiding full visibility, even while craving real connection more than anything else.
If I’m honest, this probably ties back to self worth. But I don’t want to unpack that right now.
What I know is that I’ve been aware of this pattern for about a year, and it’s not something I can unsee. At first, I didn’t really know what to do with the information. It was a true ah ha moment, the kind that reorganizes how you understand your past. And it’s not something I can accept or integrate as “just who I am.”
I know I want to change it. I know I need to change it.
Instead of trying to map out a clear path forward, I started by noticing how the idea of being really seen makes me feel. Even writing that sentence right now brings it up in my body. Discomfort. Squirmy energy. Fear. A strong urge to retreat.
So at the end of last year, when I was reflecting on what I wanted to move toward and what I wanted to change, I wrote something simple down:
Do one thing each month that makes me uncomfortable.
The intention behind it was clear. If being seen scares me, then learning how to be with discomfort might be a place to start.
Do I know if I’ll follow through on this all year? Honestly, no. Part of me believes I will because I made the commitment. Another part of me suspects I might lose steam halfway through the year. Do I know if it will work? Also no.
But I’m okay with that.
The commitment has been made. And right now, that feels like enough. There’s a quiet sense of accomplishment in simply knowing the intention exists, even if I don’t yet know how it will take shape.
This isn’t embodiment. It’s an attempt. A willingness to try without any guarantee that it will stick.
Today’s prompt:
What am I trying to change right now, even if I don’t trust that it will last?
I’m not trying to resolve that immediately.
I’m just learning to notice what moves me toward trying.